Yesterday I was offered a lead role in an off-broadway play. Acting has edged to the wings of my life (not by choice but by providence it seems + temporarily I still believe) in this last year or two where the woo has seemingly taken over.
One of America’s greatest playwrights. A marvelous character. The kind of role I have been waiting my entire life to be old enough to play.
Not some Lower East Side danky, hike from the F-train or Brooklyn Bushwick warehouse, but a legit off-broadway theatre with pay, health insurance and a role so rich, immediately I instinctually and unconsciously began to peel away her layers to start to delve into what was underneath.
Needless to say, these kinds of roles, for women in the theatre, are few and far between.
The opening weekend was the same as one of my dearest friend’s weddings at the posh + hip Soho House in Miami. A friend so close he is family. Our circles’ lives so intertwined and then outstretched again in the last decade, the wedding weekend would be “Big Chill” meets an artistic ecstatic bonanza of bliss + love, mashed together with champagne, yarmulkes and Kiehl’s sunscreen. A Jewish royal wedding of international upcoming theatrical glitterati.
Needless to say, it is going to be beyond epic.
The choice was the play or the wedding.
Needless to say, I was in a pickle.
I knew immediately the answer was in my heart. Of course that’s where I would find it. I practice what I preach and that right there is my main cheerleading mojo. But sometimes, our head to our heart is not a direct shot, and as in all things natural and organic, we need to allow ourselves that time to process.
So I did what we all do: I went to my peeps. Seeking counsel, advice, pointers, shoves, blessings from each.
There is a reason we go to our peeps. Because they know us, we love them, and we trust them. There is a reason we take on difficult decisions out of wanting to be near these peeps; they are a part of us.
We always know that we know, but sometimes it takes a little wood-shedding to get there. I have seen people make gigantic decisions without consulting anyone only to continue to get in their own way. This is why we have community around us.
We are collectively still in a place in human evolution where we need this. If this were not the case, Presidant Obama wouldn’t use advisers, he’d just sit in a meditation room all day, have people bring him problems, do a mind-read sweep and pop out answers faster than Chelsea Lately tosses out raunchy witticisms.
It is healthy, necessary to look at all angles of a situation, because really, all we see then is that it draws us closer to our own truth. This is its own growth process. Some proffer it’s all finished already, if so, then why the illusion of the ability to choose? For our growth of course.
One of my phone calls was to a friend who is also invited to this wedding, and for all intents and purposes, a star. He coincidentally was offered a job the same day that would also conflict. We hashed it over, and the first thing he said to me was:
“What is the spiritual choice? Which gives you more growth?”
I love that he asked that. Obviously this is why he is one of my go-to people. It was not about money or health insurance or who would see the play. Our choice was about growth.
This was my conundrum because I didn’t know. And I suddenly found that was no longer my question. My question is now: How can I serve? Where am I needed? How can I most spread truth, freedom, love? On a stage for a couple of months living human truths in front of audiences or holding space for some of the most special people of my life?
I facilitated an evening for my peeps last night and I told them of my choice and asked for intent in clarity. Afterwards, a woman, open, shining, grounded, bright, her first time at one of our gatherings, came up to me and said:
“What role do you want to play that weekend? Who do you want to be? Some things change, but some are always constant.” She looked like my little angel in a green summery tunic.
Another came directly after her and told me with such love and gratitude in her eyes, “Everything is coming your way to the best, I am sure of that.” There was truth in her words.
At 1am just before I went to bed, another bestie of the friend to be getting married told me on the phone from LA: “I just can’t imagine you not being there.” He then texted me a photo of his new 21-year-old hottie. (You see, it’s not always high drama + deep decisions in these parts…)
I did all the legwork, got advice from all angles, even put out an intent on facebook for clarity, and I knew the answer would come to my heart when I awoke in the morning. And there, sure enough, some time after waking and lollygagging lazily in bed, other thoughts drifting by casually, there came, without a doubt, a sentance so clear and thick in my heart that it vibrated with its depth.
YOU HAVE TO BE THERE TO GIVE THEM YOUR BLESSING
Which, of course, means so much more to this little body of Mags than it may to others. And I saw myself there, holding space for them and participating in that union of love, in their celebration, in their merging, in their oneness, and then there was no other choice.
Even though it looks like walking away from work. Like walking away from a role that is deep and marvelous and what I always thought I wanted. Like walking away from something real to something transitory, it is walking into my heart. And all of the best decisions I have made in the last few years, since I have led from this space, that may have looked crazy, weird, risky, dumb, have always proved to be the most beautiful that life can offer. Beautiful beyond measure.
I choose this.
So, I sat on my chaise. I sent a blessing to the couple, and as though confirming my decision, my heart went bananas.
I then sent a blessing to my director for the faith in me, the opportunity and the wish for a successful production.
And I ended with a blessing for the actress that would end up playing the role, that she would be gifted with the gorgeous presence and truth that great theatre can provide.
And then… I went on with my day.
“Love takes up where knowledge leaves off.” -Saint Thomas Aquinas
