It’s Valentine’s week. If your social media feed is anything like mine, you’ve been hearing a lot about capital “L” love. In particular, much leaning in toward Self Love, which is not only a prerequisite one would argue before True Love with another human, but also a more Universal angle, because regardless of whether you have another human with whom to canoodle this Friday, you most certainly have yourself. So, self love. A good thing to have, natch’.
However, a lot of what I’m seeing is defining self love as self care, and the thing is, they are not quite the same thing, darlings.
I love self-care. I am queen of self-care. What I put into, onto, against my body is by far the largest expenditure and priority of my life. I am well aware that if I do not take care of myself, I may take out my wrath out on the rest of the world. Yes, this is a form of loving myself, caring for myself, but it is not self-love.
There are 2 components to true self-love.
One is identification with the pure essence of your being. The “I AM” the Self, capital S, grand master momma divine connection to the Universe of all that has ever been, ever is and ever will be, X a bajillion.
When you are truly, super duper connected to this essence, there is no small “s” self. ”You” vanish, and all that is happening is pure experience.
It’s quite simpler and far less “David Copperfield” than it sounds, but still profoundly beautiful.
You cannot choose this or will it or force it. It is always, there, but believe me sweetness, it is buried deep beneath loads of our own and societal bulsh**.
Every once in a while you fall into it.
You give up and it shows up.
You can’t really practice it.
We try of course. (Of course!) We set up meditations, events, practices… we journey, we excursion, we stretch… we puja, kirtan, retreat, cleanse, pray, intend, beg, breathe, beg some more, for it to be uncovered, but none of those things are a guaranteed deal.
The more we do, the better odds we have of It revealing, but it’s always sort of a happy accident when the big Self takes over. You can build it, it will come, but It decides when.
The self-love that we actually have control over is dealing with our minds, emotions, and what happens inside of us. The self-love is not reaching for this capital Self and distracting from what is inside, but LOVING WHAT IS ALREADY THERE.
Let me repeat this.
SELF LOVE IS LOVING WHAT IS ALREADY THERE.
The good, the bad and the ugly. Especially the ugly.
You don’t need to fix yourself. You just need to be with yourself.
Much of what is said about self-love is reaching for things to try to cover up these ugly sides. The jealousy, neediness, anger, hurt, comparison, judgment, selfishness.
As if these things shouldn’t be there.
As if there is something wrong with these things.
Have you ever paused to consider why these qualities are within us? And I don’t mean in an investigative “what made me this way” way, pointing the finger to the lover, the parent, the defining moment in 1st grade when we were passed over for the popular playgroup… because of course we’ve all done that.
From a broader landscape, if we believe all that we need is within us, and that our purest core is oneness and Ultimate Love (and if you are reading this, whether or not you believe that, I know you want to believe it)… if we believe that, then WHY are we RUNNING from the ick that’s within us?
Doesn’t it stand to reason that what is within us will free us, not if we escape it, but if weembrace it?
The secret to life is when we stay with what is, it mutates. This is self-love.
THIS self-love is what leads to Self Realization, which leads to (capital S.L.) Self Love.
When anything that happens outside of us triggers us and that ugly personality pops up (for all the hearts and flowers of Valentine’s, I know I for one, have already had plenty of work with this, this week) it’s an opportunity for us to stay with it. Not to massage, manage, sweat or self care it away.
To just be.
To just be ourselves.
The second we accept it, it transmutes. And Love, capital L, Grand Master Flash Love, shows up.
This is how we clear up the unconscious charges we’ve been carrying around, well, forevs in some cases: we stay with what is. It is being with what is uncomfortable that clears the way for our bliss, not reaching for bliss that covers the uncomfortable. The former is permanent healing. The latter is a pretty, glittery, oh-so-appealing band-aid.
Oh, and you’d think this is common sense, but apparently it needs to be said: self-love is never at the expense of others. That’s just douche-baggery sweetheart. When your stuff comes up, as best you can, like the responsible adult you are—go deal in your own heart, mind and body and then return to those you love, clear and raw and willing to be real.
This week, and from here on out if you please, give yourself Self Love. The love to be yourself. Just as you are. From my heart to yours: Happy Valentines.
